When dreams are interrupted..
On the 16th January, 2005, Peter and I began a journey we never expected. It’s funny isn’t it, with the number of people “out there” with disabilities, how you never expect that one of YOUR kids would ever have any. Our dreams for our children are so often unconscious, so hard to define clearly, and yet, when they are interrupted, we suddenly realise what they were.
After two miscarriages Peter and I had spoken a lot about grief. We knew that so much of the grief we felt for those precious wee babies was the grief of lost dreams. We didn’t really know those little people but we had dreamed who they may be, our expectations for how life may go with them were very real. When the Lord chose to give us only 3 short months with each of them, we grieved.
Prayers answered. . .
So, when “Pipsqueak” (as he was known in my womb) came along we prayed that God would let us know this little one. We prayed that this little one would be healthy. We prayed above all though, that His will may be done. We entrusted Him to God. Our prayers were answered. God allowed us the privilege of welcoming Davy into our home and family. Although he did have some heart issues, he has NEVER had any effects from them or had to be treated for them. For all intents and purposes he is a very healthy little boy.
And yet, in spite of this, and in our own unique ways we grieved. You see, Davy was born with Down syndrome. That one extra little chromosome, some would say a copying “mistake”, had effected our son in ways we could only just begin to understand. And so, again God asked us to let go of the dreams we had for a baby and accept His plans instead.
Joy, Excitement, Anticipation, Faith
This grief was mixed with joy and excitement and anticipation and faith. That joy and excitement has not been disappointed. The five and a half years we have had so far with Davy have had so many moments of delight and fun and celebration. We have learned so many things and been blessed in so many ways. That faith has not been disappointed either. God has been with us in this journey and we are so dependent on His grace to be the parents Davy needs. And yet, that faith has also been tried and there are moments when the grief comes back. Moments when those dreams of yesterday resurface and we realise we have to let them go again. When other people’s children were walking and talking and Davy wasn’t. When others spoke about empty nest syndrome and I’ve wondered if Peter and I will ever have an empty nest. When Davy is still not potty trained at 5 1/2 and I’m really sick of all the washing! So many moments with the grief creeps back and I am reminded to come back to the God we entrusted Davy to, even in the womb.
Drawing near to Him…
Davy is our blessing. So are Jonathan, Hannah and Daniel and in their own special way so are the other three little ones God asked us to care for, for a much shorter time. I am thankful for those blessings but I am also honest enough to admit that, with Davy, so far, the journey is harder. I need to pray more that that will cause me to flee to my Lord more and more and to depend on Him and His grace. And in those moments of grief to remember the dream was my plan but the reality is the Lord’s plan. I know whose road I’d rather be on!